I Want To Be A Better Version Of Me.

Wednesday, 20 September 2017

self help, mindfulness, mental health, anxiety, depression, be your best you, meditation, mhbloggers, positive thinking, fragile mind,

We probably all want to better ourselves or wish we could do more of something, perhaps even learn something new. I find that - particularly when I am going through a bad patch - I hate everything about who I am and what I do everyday and always aspire to be this completely different person.

It clicked the other day though that there is no reason why I can't be this whole other person that I see in my head, after all, as I have already said on this blog; the key to starting the fight against mental health issues is realising that it is down to you and you only. You can get help along the way (in fact I insist that you do) but ultimately you are the only one that can make those changes.

In a perfect world, or that 'perfect' version of me that I see in my head is someone who goes to evening classes, exercises even if it is just once or twice a week, reads books all the time, drinks lots of water and gets up early in the morning to do yoga in her living room. Currently, this version of me does not exist but I feel the simple things I have listed above would boost my mental wellbeing and make me feel tons better, they would also distract my mind positively. Most importantly none of the above things are anything extravagant. They are all easy to fit into a routine and inexpensive - OK, perhaps aside from the evening classes bit but that wouldn't be possible right now anyway with my husband working away, later down the line though it could be.....

I am my own worst enemy and am stopping myself. I just tell myself I am not that person and end the conversation. Why am I not that person? Or, better yet, why can I not become that person? I love reading and escaping in books, it is how I spent a lot of my teenage years. It is a very positive way to occupy my overactive mind too. Books don't have to cost anything in this day and age and I already have a few upstairs in the office that I want to read anyway.

Exercise isn't an issue either. I already have a gym membership but if I didn't there are long walks that can be had and cost nothing. There is also YouTube which has millions of exercise videos and can be played through the telly. I just need to change my mindset.

I annoy myself because sometimes I do change my mindset and do these things and make these changes but I somehow slip out of these new habits and leave them behind only to wallow back in my old ones that tend to be negative. When Savannah was a baby I used to work out to Youtube videos three times a week. OK it is easier when your child is a baby as they sleep a lot and don't move from anywhere but still, saying I am unable to do it in my current position is kidding nobody but myself.

I envy those people who can make positive and even drastic changes to their lives and then live with them forever. The annoying thing is I know that the key is to wake up every morning and tell yourself that you can keep to this change and it is all about mind over matter. I just need to make sure I keep doing that. Every morning. For the rest of my life.

I kinda feel like in recent months I have lost my way a bit. I have known everything that I need to do and I know how to do them I have just......stopped. That's it. No excuse and no reason. I have just stopped.

I need to get back to it.

I need to go to bed every night telling myself that the next day will be a great day. I need to wake up with a positive mind, drink a pint of water first thing and spend the first twenty minutes of my day meditating, exercising or stretching just like I used to. I need to wake up and want to grab the day by the balls like I used to. No one can think that way but me, no one can make those changes but me.

Don't get me wrong, I know it can only be one change at a time otherwise my feeble brain may become overloaded. There is no point waking up tomorrow with the intention of exercising, reading a book, writing a blog post and more of my book, playing with Savannah and getting chores done because I am starting again and my mind is all over the place right now. Once I am back in the swing of it I could easily do all of that and find that when I am in a good frame of mind I thrive on being busy. A busy mind isn't distracted so easily with anxious thoughts.

I know I can do this though, I have done it before. I just need to start again and take each day at a time. Never think any further ahead than the day I am living in.

There's no time like the present, I aim to begin again tomorrow. I will keep you all updated as to how it all goes.

Nicki x

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